Pirate Talk
by CherryNekoChan
Summary: COMPLETE. One-Shot. Gin's pretty sure there will be talk of mutiny soon. Kagome sets out to try and annoy her fellow Arrancars to death again. Aizen hits the booze. Prequel to Twitchy.


Summary

Gin's pretty sure there will be talk of mutiny soon. Kagome sets out to try and annoy her fellow Arrancars to death again. Aizen hits the booze.

A/N: For this One-Shot, I do not own Lady GaGa's 'Bad Romance'. I also don't own Filter's 'The Pirates That Don't Do Anything'. Are you worried yet? Also, this is a prequel, of sorts, to **Twitchy**. I didn't do them in order... -sigh-. I'm such a ditz... But I think you guys know that by now.

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Tesla was absolutely positive that he was going to pull his hair out in insanity. While he had to admit Lord Aizen's newest Arrancar was indeed strong, he was also indeed sure that she was trying to sign a death warrent; especially when she had the tendency to get into screaming matches with Nnoitorra-sama.

Kagome Higurashi was indeed an interesting creature. As a human, she had been a priestess and as pure as the whitest sand. Unfortunately, she had died sometime in the Feudal Era. Also unfortunately, the Shinigami had let her soul slip through the cracks, as was want to in that time period. From what he had heard from Lord Aizen, the Soul Society had been a mess back then. Tesla wasn't an idiot. He knew that Kagome was not a normal Arrancar. She was much too powerful.

_'That has to be the only reason why Lord Aizen keeps her and lets her get away with driving the rest of us bonkers,'_ the Fraccion thought, nodding his head in agreement, then he frowned, _'Why does she have such an attachment to Ulquiorra though? It makes no sense whatsoever!' _What was even more amazing was the fact that the Cuarto Espada had allowed the younger Arrancar to follow him on a near daily basis a few weeks after her "birth". It was the **only** time she was anywhere near respectful.

When asked about it, she always muttered something about a "Sesshomaru" and his attitude being familiar to her. She also seemed to get along with Grimmjow. Tesla could only wonder why the Sexta Espada hadn't outright killed her yet; what with their incredibly loud arguments they got into.

He sighed and rubbed his head to try and ward off the oncoming headache. He could just feel it creeping up on him. He blamed Kagome. Entirely. And she wasn't even here! An odd noise down the hall made him stop and listen very carefully. It sounded like... singing?

Yes, definitely singing. But it was **horrible**! Who the hell was that?

"I'm killing whoever that is," the Fraccion growled, stomping down the hall and turning the corner.

Tesla blinked, then rubbed his visible eye. What... was she **doing**? He watched her for a few more minutes, then scowled in annoyance. She was completely insane. This would prove it!

Kagome Higurashi was dancing around like a drunken idiot and singing, horribly off-key, at the top of her lungs.

_"I want your lovin' and I want your revenge_

_You and me could write a bad romaaance_

_Woah woah woooaaah!_

_Rawr Rawr Rooah ooh oooh!"_

He was so getting his master and **showing** him the absolute proof. Sweeping away, he set off to find Nnoitorra and inform him of the idiocy Kagome had gotten herself into again.

By the time he found the Espada, he was raving at the tops of his lungs about Kagome being an absolute annoyance. Nnoitorra twitched in anger before setting off with his subordinate to take care of the problem known only as Kagome.

They found her outside kicking sand around plyafully.

"Higurashi! What the hell did you do to Tesla?"

"Nothing!" Kagome turned, and saluted goofily at the 5th Espada and his subordinate. "Ahoy, Cap'n! Shiver me timbers! We be settin' out fer rough seas, aye matey!" She then proceeded to laugh hysterically while covering one eye and dancing around the two like a spazz. She tripped and sprawled herself out in the sand. "LAND HOOOOOO!"

Nnoitorra twitched murderously and gripped his zanpakuto tightly. "Bitch..."

_"We are the pirates _

_Who don't do anything! _

_We just stay at home_

_And lie around! _

_And if you ask us_

_To do anything?_

_We'll just tell you_

_We don't do anything!"_

"I'll fuckin' kill you if you crack **one more pirate joke**!" the Espada shouted, swinging his enormous sword around and holding it against the giggling Kagome's neck. She was still sprawled out on the ground, trying to catch her breath from singing horribly at the top of her lungs.

"You know, one would think you were compensating for something with that giant sword, Cap'n Nnoitorra!" the girl giggled. The taller male snarled visciously and was ready to snap.

"Can't catch me! I'm the gingerbread Arrancar!" she squealed before putting her Sonnido to use and vanishing quickly.

Nnoitorra cursed loudly and smashed his fist against the nearby pillar in a fit of rage.

Tesla grit his teeth and came up with a solution. There was only one way to make Kagome stop being such an obnoxious brat.

"I'll speak with Lord Aizen on your behalf, Nnoitorra-sama."

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At the knock on his throne room door, Aizen suppressed the urge to sigh and hid the decantur of scotch away again. If it was Gin, his subordinate would never let it go that he'd caught his leader drinking. Settling in his cushy chair, the brunette cleared his throat and answered in his most intimidating voice.

"Enter." The heavy door swung open, admitting Tesla into Aizen's throne room.

"Lord Aizen," the Fraccion murmured, bowing politely. Aizen sat up in slight interest; Tesla never went anywhere without Nnoitorra, so something had to be amiss with the 5th Espada.

"Tesla. Is there something I can do for you?" The moment the words were out, the former Captain wished he could have taken them back. The enraged fire in Tesla's visible eye made him immediately wary.

"Yes sir! You can start by killing Higurashi! She's a pain in the ass, not to mention insane! Despite protests and demands to keep her from doing so, she **won't stop singing**!" the Fraccion snapped, pacing in agitation and pulling at his hair, "She's horrible at it and I fear that I will happily kill myself if I have to listen to one more rendition of her ridiculous music! And she won't shut up about pirates!"

Aizen slumped into his seat, already knowing about the problems his newest Arrancar had been causing. She'd only been awakened for a few weeks and she had already insulted nearly every Arrancar in the building. In Grimmjow's case, it was multiple jabs at his pride. God only knew how she'd managed to come up with so many ways to torture them all. And he'd heard about Every. Single. One.

"Lord Aizen! Something **must** be done about her! Nnoitorra-sama nearly killed her today and I don't think he'll be inclined to forgive her if she continues to be such a nuisance."

While Tesla busied himself talking, Aizen sneaked over to his secret stash and pulled out the scotch again along with two glasses. He had a feeling...

"Furthermore-!"

That boy could **talk**. Hell, he still wasn't done singing the woes of the female Arrancar. The former Leader of Squad 5 splashed a shot into his glass and downed it quickly. Glancing at the brown haired Fraccion, he managed to get two more shots in before deciding to actually **listen** to what his subordinate had to say.

"-In fact, I believe that the reason she might have killed anyone in her previous life was simply because she **annoyed** them to death! She is a menace and needs to be put down like a rabid dog!" Taking a huge breath, Tesla panted and eyed his leader for an idea to what he was thinking.

Aizen, deciding there was only one way to help the obviously distressed Hollow in front of him, brandished the bottle and asked, "Scotch?" Tesla blinked.

"... Yes sir. That would be nice."

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Gin Ichimaru found them two hours later, roaring drunk and guffawing over... Pirates?

... What?

"I ju... just realized something... Tes-sla!" Aizen slurred, slapping the Arrancar on the back jovially, "You-You have... an-an-an..." he looked carefully at the other male, trying to remember what it was he was pointing out, "an eye-patch!"

Tesla sat there in a shock, rubbing his hand over the patch before grinning goofily at his overlord, "You're right! I do!"

"That-that means... you're a pirate!" Aizen continued as though he hadn't heard the Fraccion.

"I **am** a pirate! WAIT! That makes-makes Nnoi-t-t-torra-sama one too!" Tesla reasoned, nodding erratically and forgetting that he was just discussing how much he **hated** pirates.

"He does have an eye patch," the former Squad 5 leader mused, holding up the empty decantur and glaring at it, "Need more liquor. I'll send... Gin, since Tousen can't see."

"But then... What does that make you, Lord Aizen?"

"Captain?"

"Noooo!" Tesla shook his head, feeling extremely dizzy from the movement, "That's Nnoitorra-sama's job! He's Cap-cap-captain!"

"Hmm... I don't... know," Aizen slurred, concentrating deeply on what he would be. It hit him a moment later. "King."

"King... of the... pirates?"

"Yes."

"Like Monkey D. Luffy?"

"No, damn it! I'm not that... that... What's the word? ... Ah! Drunk, you fool! I'm not that drunk!" Aizen snapped, shoving the sandy-haired Arrancar to the side and staggering to his feet, "Where's the rum?"

"... What rum?"

Gin swallowed slowly and eased the door closed. There was **no way** he was seeking an audience with Aizen right now. Or tomorrow, for that matter.

_'I think I should avoid him tomorrow. He'll have a helluva hangover in the mornin'.'_

His poor Captain was slowly going insane. He just knew it.

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed this butchering of the Bleach characters. I just had to do it. The idea left me in mad fits.

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